I’ve started reading Matthew Kelly’s Perfectly Yourself, a challenge for self-improvement (with God’s holy and flawless help). It didn’t take long to get smacked in the face with reality:

“Be yourself no matter what they say.” We throw the idea around but give little thought as to how very difficult it is to peel back the residue of other people’s expectations, past experiences, and the false expectations we have of ourselves.

I’ve always been highly motivated by the expectations of others. These weren’t bad expectations: Do well in school. Get a good job. But there was an underlying passiveness on my part, because by having other people make my decisions it meant I didn’t have to do it. I did do well in school. I did get a good job. But I didn’t entirely make that decision myself.

It’s part of why conversion was such a terrifying thought. For the first time, I was making a major decision unguided by someone else. There would be people unhappy with my decision. But at a certain point, I had to let go of human expectations and listen to God.

It’s still a struggle. We all know the expectations for a “happy life.” But little by little, I’m learning that what works for others doesn’t work for me. It should be that way for all of us. College isn’t for everyone. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Even little things, like watching television or going running, isn’t for everyone. That residue of other people’s expectations lingers.

God didn’t create cookie-cutter beings who all feel, think, and experience things the same way. On the surface, we understand that. But dig a little deeper, and we judge people who are different. Who have different opinions. Or different careers. Or different interests. In some cases, it’s hard not to immediately label them as “wrong.” We put those same judgments on ourselves, too. We’re quick to self-deprecation because we’re not good at things other people are good at. But who’s putting these expectations on us, anyway?

It’s certainly not God.

“Be yourself” is a deceptively simple idea. It’s not so much figuring out who we are—it includes prayer. It includes some deep self-examination. And it includes throwing away those expectations, which is the hardest part of it all.

I pray that I get to that point one day.