It’s often the things that you anticipate being the most difficult that end up not being difficult at all. For weeks, perhaps months, I’d been anxious over confession. Where do I start? How specific do I have to get? What if I forget something? I’d scheduled a time between Masses, outside the normal allotted half-hour for Saturday evening reconciliation, because I knew I’d take up that entire time on my own.

Where do you start? With the first thing you think of. The weight from years past, admitting the things you never admitted to yourself. And I built on that. It kept growing. There were moments of silence, when I simply felt the enormity of sin itself, that gentle prodding from God to go on. And on. And on. Until I was emptied, and tired, and I laced my hands together and said, “I think that’s it for now.”

I had to remind myself several times over the week that I am absolved. To remember the tears as I was forgiven. To remember the vow to do better. And to take that forgiveness with me.

I took that forgiveness, and I emailed my old pastor. I explained why I stopped showing up at the church. It was an unnecessarily long email, but my silence had been even longer. I haven’t received a reply, and as the days pass, I’m less and less confident that I will. It was a difficult email to write. It’s more difficult knowing I’m being ignored. Jesus instructs us how to forgive, but He never promised that forgiveness would come easily or be well received.

I took that forgiveness, and I called a friend from years past. It had been so long since we’d last spoke that she thought I’d dialed her accidentally. She picked up the phone, said hello, and I replied, “I’m a terrible friend.” Then we spoke for two hours like the silent years hadn’t happened, like nothing had changed, and if I can get some vacation time in for April I’ll visit her in Florida. Sometimes, forgiveness is easier. And may also end in a well-needed, Florida vacation.

I took that forgiveness, and I forgave myself. Again. And again. Every day, because I kept on beating myself up, every day. You’re weak, I told myself, and needy, and after all this time you still don’t depend on Him like you should. Self-forgiveness is hard, compared to forgiving others. Sometimes, with others, once will suffice. With yourself, it’s required all the time. It’s an on-going process. But God forgives me, so I do my best to forgive me, too.

This week was difficult. I often felt alone. I won’t say everything is perfect now, but it’s getting better. Because each time I fall, He’s the one who lifts me back up. And each time, He strengthens me even more. It’s when I forget that strength that I stumble again. It used to take me days, or weeks, to get back up. But lately, I’m back on my feet in a few hours. I know it won’t always be like this. But for the final week of Lent, and with a mere two weeks to Confirmation, this is the time I need it most. Friends, please pray for me. It’s because of God, and because of all of you following along with my journey, that I am never truly alone.